Dealing with all the issues

One of the things I needed to deal with since I’ve been sick was letting go of past issues. This was and is very hard for me since I am a product of abuse. The Journey of healing has not just been one of physical healing but spiritual and emotional for me.

Every since I was a little girl I have been used and abused in every way possible by the people who are suppose to love, protect, and care for me. Becaue of this I grow up with a false idea of what love was but also of what family was suppose to be like. When reaching out for help to church, police, teachers, and children service I also learned that my familys word meant more than mine and the price I paid for telling was not worth saying anything at all.

The effects of my abuse followed me into my adult years in a lot of physical ways. I was not able to have children because of the brutal sexual molestation I endured; I carried physical scares (reminders) of physical abuse that would never go away. I also had the mental scars, the pictures, the words, the sounds ,the memories , and the lies.

For me this was not a time in my life but it was my life. It was not just a family member but a major part of one side my family.

I was raised to believe that these people were the only ones that loved me and I only mattered to them. I was told it all was a form of love so my view of love was wrong from the beginning of my life. For years I had little trust in people at all. I went through the motions of church, work, school but not really living life to its fullest. I didn’t know how to get pass the traumatic things that had happen to me and really didn’t feel anyone else could understand the impact that it had on me mentally.

There has been people through the years that have prayed for me and tried to help me to get me through and get me to heal, but honestly I know today it could have only be God. These scars went to deep for man to try and reach. Plus, I was not totally open and willing because of my history with people from the church. When I was little my Pastor knew what was going on. As a teen I went to him talked about it and I wrote a letter just in case I forgot something. I was told that my family had been in that church for years and somethings weren’t talked about. So when I got with men and women of God that really wanted to help me, I went through the motions but I wasn’t whole hearted in what they were telling me to do. Well honestly I wasn’t whole hearted into anything not even life.

It wasn’t until two years ago when I started going to therapy that I started to find my voice. The people who know me would say I always had a voice and I would say not really I always had a mask, but now I have a voice and I can speak up for myself and from my heart and learning everyday how to use it more and more. I remember the first time I had to use it and I was so scared I had to tell a friend I did not feel safe around them and that I would have to withdraw myself from the relationship. This took my Therapist helping me write a letter (could not do face to face) and months of sessions afterwards just to get through it but I am so thankful that I did and I know now it was one of the best things I have done for me. Don’t get me wrong I still love this person and want the best but I have learned to love me just as much and that is huge and new that I love that part of it.

Some people ask me today or wonder where I am in this part of your journey and I am so happy to say I am learning to establish boundaries in my life and not waver on them. I am reestablishing some relationships and walking away from some that should have been destroyed years ago. With this process I know there will be a lot more that will fall to the way side and I will cry many more tears, but today I am open to changing my life. I am learning to trust God and people opening my heart up and letting people in to see the real me and know some will walk away but some will not.

I also have people ask why don’t you just walk away from everyone that abused you and my answer is and will be that will be almost my whole family and at this point and time in my life I don’t know how to do that. What would I do if I couldn’t call certain people, because even with the bad there was good. Dysfunction does not make sense not even to the people in it.

I will say that one of the reasons for me doing this blog was important was to put my story out there.  So other people who are, or know some one who is going through what i have can see that God can bring you through.  This is not just a journey of Sarcoidosis, but a Journey of healing from the inside out a true view of emotional spirtual and physical transformation of my life.